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Imaginary Documents Relating to SQ006|
(read: 17514 times)
WARNING TO READERS:
The following articles on the SQ006 tragedy were written by senior writer Coq Au Vin and Chief Technology Officer Lau Cheow.
TalkingCock.com deemed them too insensitive to publish, and so, out of respect for the victims, we're not. Anything you see here is completely your own imagination.
We apologise for any offence caused, but as you are dreaming all of this up, you have only yourself to blame. Shame on you.
New Procedures for SQ In Wake of Taiwan Tragedy
by Lau Cheow
In the wake of SQ006 tragedy and criticism of the crew's handling at the time (see http://www.usatoday.com/usatonline/20001103/2806811s.htm for details), Singapore Airlines has now updated its inflight safety pamphlet.
The updates reflect important lessons learned from SQ006, such as the importance of having passengers confirm whether the pilot is on a correct runway, looking after the safey of aircrew and how to follow evacuation procedures in the absence of trained personnel.
Correct Runway Takeoff Procedure
Passengers will be required to look out the window and spot the takeoff lights in case the pilot overlooks them and turns into a wrong runway.
Note: Takeoff lights are bright white or yellow.
The correct procedure to do this is, if the plane is turning right, for those seated in window seats on the right side to press their nose against the window, and try to spot the runway which should be slightly ahead and to the right.
If the runway they are turning into have correctly lit runway lights, then it is assumed that the plane has taken the correct runway.
Passengers who have binoculars are also advised to use them to ensure that the runway has no obstacles such as construction machinery or cranes.
Passengers are advised that in case of a wrong runway to press the service buzzer IMMEDIATELY which will inform a flight attendant to attend to you as soon as she can.
If, however, the attendant is already strapped for takeoff, other existing rules forbid passengers and crew from moving when the plane is taking off, this will have to wait until after reaching cruising altitude.
If the plane crashes into objects before the passenger has a chance to inform the pilot, then SIA is indemnified from damages as it cannot be proved that they saw the error before the pilot crashed the plane.
Passengers are requested to learn how to open the emergency doors.
It has been shown that aircrew become panicky and helpless in the event of an emergency and hence it is VERY IMPORTANT that you, the passenger, learn how to operate safety and evacuation procedures. A comprehensive 20-page booklet on the correct operation of the emergency door can be obtained by asking the Chief Steward.
The safety video shows footage of a passenger using his shoulder to force open the emergency door of a B747-400. Study this with care. If you are unable or unwilling to perform this maneuver, then you deserve to be locked inside a burning aircraft.
In the event of an emergency, passengers are urged not to panic and to remain calm. This is so as to not unduly alarm and inconvenience aircrew and flight attendants who may face problems of their own.
In the event of an aircrew and passenger both making for the same exit, the procedure is to give way to the aircrew, otherwise they may sabo you later when you are on the ground trying to find a stretcher.
Some flight attendants may not know what to do and you may have to help them towards the proper exits. After exiting the planes, make sure you find the first rescue bus. You can identify it by the aircrew who will be heading for it in a hurry. Try and get in before all the flight attendants do. Use of hands and feet to kick aircrew is permitted only in this instance.
Please remember that SIA has a reputation to maintain. Our record for safety has been excellent, and all our staff believe in their own safety and the reputation for the airline.
Although our record has now been broken, with one crash, we still hold the entry in the Guinness Book of Records for the longest running airline without a disaster, and which consistently delivers the best value for its shareholders.
Thank you for choosing SIA and have a pleasant flight.
TalkingCock at the SQ Press Conference
by Coq Au Vin
Immediately upon receiving the news of the tragedy, TalkingCock despatched senior writer Coq Au Vin to Chiang Kai Shek International Airport. The choice of sending a senior staffmember like Coq Au Vin was to demonstrate the seriousness with which TalkingCock regarded the event, as well the fact that he was at HQ Starlight on reservist training at the time. The following is an account of the press conference held immediately after the crash was announced.
There were several questions which SIA could not immediately answer at the press conference convened directly after the crash of the SIA Boeing 747 at Taipei.
Q: Who made the decision to take off in typhoon conditions in Taiwan?
A: I am sorry, I am unable to tell you that right now. The pilot, however, was Malaysian.
Q: Were there any children onboard?
A: We cannot confirm at this time. There is no information as yet.
Q: There was a report of a collision with an object on the runway, as well as the possibility that the pilot went on the wrong runway.
A: I have heard all those reports too but I haven't received any confirmation that we can comment on. I am sorry. The pilot was a Malaysian. Really.
Q: Has the black box been retrieved?
A: The black box I cannot confirm that either but obviously, that would be a very important piece of equipment. There are two black boxes of course, as some of you would know - the Flight Data Recorder and the Cockpit Voice Recorder.
Q: We know what the black boxes are.
A: Just note that they weren't manufactured in Malaysia. Unlike the pilot.
Q: Do you have the slightest idea what you're talking about?
A: I am sorry, that information is not available.
Q: Is there any useful information to be imparted at all in this press conference?
A: I am not sure at this time. Did I mention the pilot was Malaysian?
Q: Is it true that this press conference is just convened to wayang that SIA is doing something about the crash while behind the scenes everybody is scrambling about like headless chickens trying to cover their collective backsides?
A: What press conference?
Q: Can you say anything to comfort the families of the victims?
A: Where am I? What am I doing here? I'm not Malaysian. Help! Help!
At this point, Mr Mai ducked under the table and was last scene running away from the conference venue, clucking, with his hands on his bottom. He also said that SIA would be providing assistance to family members to fly to Taipei.
In other related news, a bill will be passed in Parliament today in the wake of the tragedy. The Government will reinforce its policy that all senior Government officials and Cabinet ministers take SQ flights on official trips regardless of typhoon season or runway construction problems.
This will show solidarity and support for SIA, which is "undergoing a severe crisis and loss of support, especially in its stock price." The bill was heartily supported by the Opposition, which thought it was a good thing for Ministers to continue to fly SIA. However, four members of the Cabinet, whose names are not revealed, voted against the bill.
Talking Cockpit Voice Recorder
The following Cockpit Voice Recorder transcript, procured through fictitious means, is also entirely a figment of your twisted imagination, and could never have come from those sensitive, understanding souls at TalkingCock:
SQ006 Pilot:Hello, Air Control, which runway do we use?
Taiwanese Air Controller:SQ006, use 5L.
SQ006:Say again? 5R?
TAC: No, 5 Eller.
SQ006:5 Ar-ler? Ell-er or Ar-ler? Please say again!
TAC:5 ELL-LER NOT AR-LER!
SQ006:AR-LER NOT ELL-LER? Hello? Hello?
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