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Lim Peh ka li kong: I want a handjob, not a handout
Posted on Sunday, January 12, 2003
Topic: Lim Peh Ka Li Kong

Our resident grumpy old man columnist discusses how the Gahmen can help the elderly in this time of economic restructuring

Lim Peh ka li kong, nowsaday Gahmen give us a lot of handouts. But I’m not sure it really helps people like me.

Like the other day, hor, I felt si beh itchy. I thought maybe can go Desker Road there, but then I thought, a bit waste money to have to take bus or MRT there, when my son just hired a new maid.

But just as I was about to knock on the maid’s door, my son suddenly stopped me and asked, “Where do you think you’re going, Pa?”

“Si gin nah!” I scold him. “Why so suspicious? I was just going to ask her to help me clean something only!”

“Clean what?” he asked.

“Clean me, lor,” I answer.

“No, Pa!” my bleddy son dare to shout at me.

“Why cannot?” I ask. “She everyday clean your baby, what! I just want her to do the same with me. Change my diaper, wipe my kachng, powder my…”

“No, Ah Pa! Do you remember how much I had to pay off the last maid to keep quiet after you asked her whether she could help you steam your lap cheong?”

“What, I cannot ask people to help me make claypot rice, ah?” I ask him.

“You know that’s not what you meant,” he said. The si noong kia!

“Anyway, why you pay her?” I shout at him. “She didn’t steam my lap cheong after all! Why you pay her when she didn’t perform her service? Si noong kia! So unfilial! When I ask you for money to go Geylang, you do’wan to gimme, but this uncooperative char bor, you want to give. How can lai dat?”

My son then made this strange sound through his clenched teeth. (I think so it’s gas. I told him not to eat so much durian.)

Anyway, he said, “Pa, okay, why don’t you just go to Desker Road or something? Just please stop harassing our maid!”

“Si noong kia!” I shout at him. “Go Desker Road cost money, you know! Nowsaday got recession, so I try and save money by using the maid, mah! I so considerate also you don’ch appreciate!”

“But you got money, what,” he said.

“Where got?” I snort back.

“Gooooot,” he say. “Because of recession, Gahmen nowsaday give us all sorts of shares. Especially old people. Got New Singapore Shares. Got Economic Restructuring Shares…”

“Orh, that,” I say. “NSS, ERS… aiyah, all boh yong one, lah. What I need are PROS. Why can’t the Gahmen give me that directly?”

My son made the strange noise again and then sighed, “Pa, why can’t you use your NSS and ERS to get your, er, PROS? Just go to CPF Building and they’ll help you.”

So I went down to Robinson Road to the CPF Building.

At the reception, they give me a number and ask me to sit down and wait till my number is called. (All this number-number thing remind me last time of the old dance halls when you get number to dance with a hostess.)

So I sit and sit… Nowsaday, Gahmen very nice. Put TV there for people to watch while waiting. But I don’ch understand why they always like to show Mr. Bean this sort of programme.

Play some dirty videos, lah! More exciting to watch. Some more, it’s a waste not to find some use for all the porno videos the police must have confiscated over the years! Nowsaday got recession must recycle things, mah!

Anyway, my number soon got call and I went to the girl at the counter.

“Good morning, sir. IC?” she ask me.

“Si char bor!” I scream at her. “Why you ask me if I ai see (go and die)? Si peh suay!”

“No, sir, your identity card,” she said.

“Orh,” I reply, handing her my card. “Why early-early don’ch say? Nah!”

“So you wish to take out all your NSS and ERS?” She ask. “Have you put in your $50 CPF top up?”

“Acherly, I ask you hor,” I say. “Why you all call it CPF, ha? Is it because you get paid only after you ‘C’?”

The stupid girl never answer and just type at her computer. “I see, Mr. Lim, that you have a CPF account, but haven’t topped it up in a long while.”

“Yes,” I said, a bit sadly. “I old oreddy. Very hard to top it up. But my chao doctor refuse to prescribe me Viagra.”

She gave me a blank look, then said, “You must give $50 before I can give you your handout.”

“Wah lan eh!” I exclaim. “$50 for a handjob? Si char bor! Not wurf, one!”

So I storm out of there. Times must be really bad if Gahmen needs to charge so much. They must really need the money. But they’re going about it the wrong way.

Lim Peh ka li kong, they’d get more money if their girls were a bit more chio.

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