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ANNALS OF THE DRAGON KING: Executive Search
Posted on Thursday, May 10, 2007
Topic: Diary of the Dragon Prince

Barry discusses how his underlings are being headhunted in this instalment of his totally fictitious, completely unbelievable and wholly ridiculous diary.

9 May 2007 (Wednesday)

The peasants are unhappy over the million-dollar salaries given to my Men-In-White ("MIW"). Well, they are not the only ones unhappy. I am also unhappy with the performances of many of my MIW. In the private sector they would have been sacked or retrenched. However, I need yes-men and they don't come cheap.

Well, if you can't get rid of them, then con some big, 'prestigious' companies to take them off me. Leading executive search firm Con/Fairy was already tasked to do a search a few months ago. They came back with some matches.

Prata Nathan is very much in demand. Leading food court operators like Kopi Tiam, Banquet and Food Republic are keen to engage him as an advisor. Well, actually, they just want him as a poster boy for the roti prata stall but Con/Fairy assured me that this can be considered as an advisory job. Remuneration would be US$1.5m per year, with free food at the food court.

Due to his high profile, the National Health Board also want him as a poster boy (sorry, make that consultant) for their campaign against heart disease. Package is US$2m per year plus free medical treatment and insurance.

Con/Fairy has also found a job for Woody Goh. The Peasantland Tourist Promotion Board wants to appoint him ambassador for tourism and to feature him in a global advertising blitz called Uniquely Peasantland. Woody will be photographed having breakfast at the zoo with Ah Meng. Of course peanuts will be liberally strewn on the breakfast table. Package is US$1m for appointment as senior advisor, with free visits to the zoo and a year's supply of bananas and peanuts thrown in.

That lady MP Big Ears will also be featured, although it was not clear whether her role would be that of human or ape. She will look more like the latter if she continues with her hip hop.

Mini-star for Law Yaya Koomar need not worry about not making millions of dollars once his political career is over. He is wanted by top law firms like Crappier Wong, Drool & Nappies, Leech & Leech etc.

However they face competition from the National Library Board. With his deadpan expression and monotonous voice, they reckon that Yaya Koomar will be a great story teller in the children's section. He will be the most expensive story-teller in the world but it will be money well-spent.

The new casino Sands also wants Yaya Koomar. His poker face would make him a great croupier. And given his seniority, he will be serving the high-rollers in the VIP room. He will be on a basic salary plus tips. The basic salary is peanuts, only US$1m, but he can expect to earn the bulk of his income from tips, which can be very generous.

Con/Fairy said that Karaoke Wong has great career options. Of course he is very much on the wanted list of CIA. They want him as a consultant on homeland security.

However, they are likely to lose out to the private sector. Air-conditioning makers Carrier and Daikin are willing to pay Karaoke Wong US$2m a year for him to advise on how to make their air-condition systems more chilling.

But even that is peanuts compare with what the entertainment industry has to offer. Tiananmen KTV wants Karaoke Wong as Chairman of the Broad, sorry, Board. He will rub shoulders (although that is a bit difficult given that he is vertically challenged) with the towkays, the triad leaders, the loan sharks and the used-car salesmen. For that, his package will be US$2.5m plus perks. The benefits sure are, err… perky: free usage of KTV rooms, unlimited 'usage' of hostesses and free flow of XO.

Marlboro Tan can also head for the entertainment industry. His visionary leadership in dreaming up with Goal 2010 has not gone unnoticed by the richest clubs in Europe. Chelsea wants him as its CEO as the club's target is to be profitable by 2010. Funded by Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich, money is not a problem. Marlboro Tan can easily command Euro 3m excluding bonuses.

Another one heading for the entertainment industry is MP Terbak Teo. His hip-hopping exploits was broadcast to the whole world. Now he is reportedly wanted by all the big 5 recording studios Universal, EMI, BMG, Warner and Sony. They want to team him up with big names like rappers Eminem and 50 Cent, Seal, Missy Elliot, Destiny's Child etc. Black-eyed Peas' Fergie wants to re-shoot her "My Hump" video with him.

Is there anything for dear wife? I asked.

Con/Fairy said Legendary Investor Mdm Ho's uncanny investment acumen is in great demand. The biggest hedge funds who invest in distressed securities want her on board. They want her to spot companies that will get into trouble. Or perhaps they just want to buy whatever companies she buys. Hey, we are talking really big bucks here. The average pay for top hedge fund managers is US$250m++. Temasekshimaya should be ever so grateful, paying a paltry salary to Mdm Ho for her top-notch leadership.

Damn, I am really jealous of all these high-paying job opportunities for my MIW while I am stuck with my job of looking after the peasants. Moreover, I was forced to take a pay freeze for five years. These peasants just don't know how difficult it is to recruit and retain top talents.

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