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New Ruffles JC Course: “Communicating Effectively Down To Non-Elites”
Posted on Sunday, October 29, 2006
Topic: Local News | 
by Phoenix Klaw and Kok Kok Kway
Following the recent incident where a Ruffles JC student, in her blog entry, called non-elites “stupid crackpots”, “the sadder class” and “wretched, undermotivated, overassuming leeches” and told them to “get out of my elite uncaring face”, Ruffles JC is launching a new course for its elite students: “Communicating Effectively to Non-Elites.”
Ruffles JC was responding to a request by MP for Ang Mor Nang GRC, Mr Wee Ee Lit (also is incidentally the blogger’s father) who blamed Ruffles JC for not teaching her the right skills for communicating with non-elites.
Mr Wee, who holds a PhD in Children Management, said: “I stand by what my daughter has said. Her basic point is correct. But it’s not her fault - I am disappointed that Ruffles JC did not teach her the correct communication skills to convey her message in a more tactful manner. If schools don’t teach such things, what do they expect parents to do?”
In response, Ruffles JC is adding a new module for its elite students on how to communicate effectively to non-elites. Talkingcock was given a preview of the course textbook – below are excerpts:
“In this handbook, the terms “non-elites”, “plebians” and “peasants” are used interchangeably to refer to the stinky sweaty masses that you will command and lord over in your elitist lives. Working in the Admin Service and living overseas in metropolitan cities such as New York, London and Silicon Valley, you may not have chance to come into contact with many of them, and if you do, your contact might consist of scrawling “approved” when they beg “submitted, please” or saying “Two tenderloins, medium rare”. But truth be told – they are out there, living their dark miserable little lives and pouncing on every single chance to whine and fret and undermine our goals. The purpose of this course is to teach you how to avoid confrontation with them, so that you can go about work and personal lives catering to our elevated interests.
Language: Non-elites typically speak in a pidgin English also known as Singlish. Poor them – they are so deluded that they actually think (if what they do can be considered “think”) that Singlish is hip. However, we can speak from our august heights and allow ourselves to pander to the masses by acknowledging that Singlish can be “cute”. To relate to them, you might want to use “lor” and phrases like “Fouren Talern Bery Bad”. We, the elites, are native speakers of English … we have just never lived in England.
American terms: Non-elites are educated locally and have a poor knowledge of American terms. For example, they would misinterpret the term “no brainer” to mean “brainless”. Hence, please refrain from using such American terms. However, as one elite puts it, “If you think no-brainer means brainless, you probably are.”
Food: Living their dark uncertain lives and fearing for their rice bowls hewed from coconuts, non-elites get most of their food at places called “hawker centres” and “coffee shops”. Making reference to these places and their cuisines will endear you to the peasants. However, it is important that you get the hawker dishes correct. For example, mee siam contains no hum. Getting these details wrong will betray your elite status.
Meeting them in unexpected places: From time to time, you might, alas, have occasion to encounter plebians in unexpected places such as Ermenegildo Ferragamo or the Pyramid Club. Recognise that such peasants who are allowed into our inner circles are mere concessions to egalitarianism (O foul word! that is second cousin to communism). To help you recognize these deluded naïve imbeciles, we give them special status, such as MPs and P65s. You will notice that these upstarts are normally Members of Parliament who graduated from 3rd tier pleb schools such as St Anloos JC and Hong Chong JC, not elite schools such as Ruffles, who naturally become Ministers. Such people are our conduit to the masses to make the stinking masses think that we really want to connect (agad) with them. These sad utensils are to be tolerated, fawned on, even hailed, but never accepted as one of us.
Physical Contact: For some unknown reason, plebians cherish physical contact, like hugs and handshakes. This is probably because their grim, gritty, flatted living environment has conditioned them to enjoy lower hygiene standards. In the event that you need to shake hands with them (which you probably would have to do on ministerial walkabouts) please DO NOT wash your hands immediately after shaking theirs.
Salaries: It may surprise you how poorly paid some of the non-elites are – salaries can be as low as $600,000 a year! When peasants tell you how much they earn, please attempt to hide your amazement. Do refrain from making remarks such as “Only $600K? That’s peanuts!” Remember that these parasites on society detest work, so it is merely the natural order of things that they earn so little. This is natural selection’s way of dealing with them, so there is no need for surprise or (an indication that you will fail this course) pity.”
Vulgarities: Peasants might not understand phrases like “swift kick in your balls”. A more effective way is to say “wah tak lu eh lum par”. More examples of such phrases are available in The Coxford Singlish Dictionary.
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[ No Comments Allowed for Anonymous, please register ] Re: New Ruffles JC Course: “Communicating Effectively Down To Non-Elites” (Score: 1)
by Sone on Monday, October 30, 2006
(User Info) | Bravo! Typical depiction of the non-elites. They talk alot but no action. Talk Cock Kings Sial!
Criticising those who had organized and worked their brains hard, i guess it don't take much for you to know the difference between the no brainer and the brainless ? |
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