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Post-Election Round Up
Posted on Sunday, May 07, 2006
Topic: Politics

by Pak Cham Kai

Wow, it’s been a hectic weekend for the country! Talk about being literal: when Singapore holds general elections, we actually elect generals!

But joking aside, our deepest congratulations to all parties and all the civil serpents, polling and counting agents for their hard work, even if it’s to just maintain our status quo. We’re really a hentak kaki country, aren’t we? All that legwork, and even those constituencies with no walkover are still stuck in square one!

Oh well, maybe that’s too cynical. Maybe change is still possible. Already we can see some movements in the wake of the elections… and here’s a brief roundup:

Ministry of Education Lowers ‘A1’ Grade to 66.6 Marks

Following the elections, one of the bold new moves by the Ministry of Education is to lower the ‘A1’ distinction grade from 75 marks to 66.6 marks.

“One of the complaints we kept hearing from citizens was how tough our exam system is and how everything in life depends on our exam results,” said Minister of Education Tarzan Shanmugaratnam. “Well, the Government is listening to the people, and to ease the pressure on our schoolchildren, we’ve decided that whoever scores 66.6 marks will be considered to have scored a distinction instead of a mediocre B3 grade like before.”

SDP Consoles Dr Chee with Special Cake

After their dismal performance in the recent elections, the Singapore Democratic Party consoled their leader, Dr. Chee Soon Juan, by baking a cake specially named for him.

“The ‘Chee Cake’ is a confection that’s deeply symbolic,” said SDP spokesman Koh Soo Leow. “For one thing, it’s full of half-baked ingredients.”

The Chee Cake also features a special photograph of the SDP’s Central Executive Committee. According to Mr. Koh, “Despite the ditch he’s driven us into, we want to show him that we’re still behind him. Hence the cake features a photo of all our behinds.”

Mr. Koh also denied that NSP candidate Steve Chia is one of those posing in the photo.

Instead of the Chee Cake, the SDP had also considered serving humble pie, but Dr. Chee refused to eat it.

PM Spotted About Town With His Mandate

The Prime Minister has been spotted about town with his mandate.

Said visiting Australian tourist Mr. Desker Rhodes, “Yeah, I saw your PM walking about with his mandate. I thought he’d be with a woman date, but his date looked like a man to me. Strewth, he’s serious about liberalizing, ennit, if he’s goin’ all brokeback.”

Gomez No-Show at WP Party

In other news, James Gomez apparently didn’t show up at the Workers Party celebrations as he said his invitation card had mysteriously gone missing.

In breaking news, Mr. Gomez has apparently just been detained by the police for criminal intimidation. It is not known exactly what criminals will be coming to intimidate him. (Are you sure about this? – Ed.)

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