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DEMOCRACY EXPLAINED IN COWS
Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2006
Topic: Politics |  Hey! We’re having elections – so that means we’re democratic, right? Not sure? Dun scared! We thought we’d take the time to explain the various democracies out there – using cows!
(Freely adapted from a longstanding internet joke)
DEMOCRACY (in theory)
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
DEMOCRACY (in practice)
You have two cows. You vote in someone to decide who gets the milk.
DEMOCRACY (AMERICAN)
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cows drop dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. Meanwhile, you invade another country for their cows.
DEMOCRACY (BRITISH)
You have two cows. They are both mad.
DEMOCRACY (AUSTRALIAN)
You have two cows. They both take a sicky to enjoy a few Toohey’s. After a few too many, the cows attend a barbie. Barbies are generally not a good thing to attend if you’re made of beef.
DEMOCRACY (RUSSIAN)
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count your cows and discover you really have seven cows! You have more vodka. You count them again and discover you have eleventy five cows! You realize there’s no such number as eleventy five, and stop drinking to recount the cows. You realize you only have two cows. Then the Russian mafia comes in and takes them both away. You open another bottle of vodka.
DEMOCRACY (FRENCH)
You have two cows. The Government subsidizes all your milking and farming costs. McDonald’s buys your produce at market rates, and you make easy money. But you still throw rocks at the nearest McDonald’s whenever you get the chance.
DEMOCRACY (AFRICAN)
You have two cows. A militia comes and takes them away from you at gunpoint and ships them to another country where their leader can enjoy them.
DEMOCRACY (NIGERIAN)
We have two cows, which were formerly owned by a deposed politician. If you give us your bank details, we will deposit the cows in your account and cut you in on the profits.
DEMOCRACY (JAPANESE)
You have two cows. A large dairy conglomerate buys them and sells the milk below production cost overseas, but at a huge markup locally. One day, the cows die but no one in the company takes responsibility. But it’s okay because the Government will subsidize all losses anyway.
DEMOCRACY (SOUTH KOREAN)
You have two cows. One gets kidnapped by North Korean agents. You dream of their reunification someday.
DEMOCRACY (HONG KONG)
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because their feng shui is bad.
DEMOCRACY (CHINESE)
You have two cows. You take care of them. Your local town official takes all the milk from you and makes big bucks for himself by entering a supply venture with an American milk company.
DEMOCRACY (MALAYSIAN)
You have two cows. The religious police separate them for being too close together. You get your milk imported from your neighbour.
DEMOCRACY (THAI)
You have two cows. You sell one of them to Singapore.
DEMOCRACY (FILIPINO)
You have two cows. Unfortunately, milking them is less profitable than sending them to Singapore to work as maids.
DEMOCRACY (IRAQI)
You have two cows. They kidnap their farmer and send video tapes threatening to behead him.
DEMOCRACY (SINGAPOREAN)
You have two cows – ‘cow peh’ and ‘cow bu’. The Government fines you for keeping unlicensed livestock in a flat. Both are then acquired at a significant discount by a Government-linked corporation.
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