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ANNALS OF THE DRAGON KING: Anal Retentive
Posted on Sunday, January 22, 2006
Topic: Diary of the Dragon Prince

In his imaginary and completely fictitious diary, Barry conducts some probing into what’s been going on behind the scenes…

30 December 2005 (Friday)

The Kay Poh MG ("KPMG") report on the Lampar & Kukucheow Foundation ("LKF") has caused a lot of damage to the Men-In-White ("MIW"). I had to postpone the elections.

The in-fighting has also worsened, with the MIW increasingly polarized into two camps: my camp versus Woody's.

There must be no more embarrassment. After the LKF incident, I can no longer trust my eunuchs and take them at face value. I decided to do spot checks on my eunuchs. I will follow Melayuland police and make them strip and do squats while pulling their ears.

That will cause any incriminating evidence to fall out from their anuses or vaginas.

I got a list of suspects from the Corruption Please Ignore Bureau ("CPIB"). The first suspect was, of course, the Durian Man himself. Durian said he has got kidney problem and cannot squat. You've got to be kidding, I said. Okay, bend over then. There was a gold-plated tap sticking out of his anus.

"My bowels are not working so I went for an operation to replace my alimentary canal," Durian explained. And you charged it to the corporate credit card, I interrogated?

I turned the tap. Out dropped a peanut.

"Just one peanut?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes sir!" Durian said. "You see, I never take more than I deserve. In fact, I have forgone a lot of peanuts for the sake of the patients."

I gave the tap a hard, well, tap. Out poured groundnuts, pistachio nuts, cashew nuts, hazel nuts, almonds, brazil nuts, walnuts and even a coconut. Durian sure is disingenuous. He may have earned only peanuts but he sure squirreled away a lot of other nuts.

Next suspect was Mrs. Peanut. She also found it difficult to squat. "It's to do with age. I'm getting more and more wooden," she explained. I thumped the old piece of wood and some termites dropped out.

"I'll let Baygon be Baygon, but please clean up and stop sheltering parasites," I told Mrs. Peanut.

Next on the list was the most cheekopek-looking of my Mini-stars, the Mini-star of Information, Communicability and the Farts Dr. Channel Lee Asia. Behind his Chinaman look, I can tell that he is one dastardly eunuch.

Dr. Channel Lee was not just squatting, he was grinding and wriggling his pelvis, like some cabaret showgirls. I kicked the wriggling bum and out dropped some bras and panties.

"I picked them up at the Crazy Horse show. Some women were tearing them off and littering the place."

That's being very civic-minded but do you have to sniff them, I asked as I yanked a panty from Dr. Channel Lee's nose.

Transport Mini-star Bangcock Yeo was next on the list. Damn, I did not know that so many mini-stars are on the CPIB list. His was an automated arse, I had to flashed an EZ Link card to open up his butt. Damn, it costs me 60 cents. White elephants dropped out.

Eh, your backside is so big that even elephants can fit in, I asked?

Well, I have been screwed so many times that my backside is big enough to even take in a train, was Bangcock Yeo's honest reply. He is not corrupt, just downright incompetent, I said to myself as I struck Bangcock Yeo off the CPIB list.

The Mini-star for Trade & Industry Hairdo Lim was next. Again, his buttocks had restricted entry. Foreign talents can enter free, but Peasantland citizens had to pay $100. Affixed to his buttocks was a lever like those found in one-armed bandits.

I pulled the lever and got three letters in a row: P-A-P. Jackpot! Out fell a roulette wheel, some dice and some gaming chips.

"These are research items from my study trip to Las Vegas to study the casino industry," was Hairdo's explanation.

Did you travel with Durian and flew first-class, I interrogated? Durian gave me the unused first-class air tickets from LKF; he also used the company limousine to chauffeur me to and from the airport, Hairdo Lim confessed. Well, Hairdo Lim made a full declaration, so there is transparency and no corruption. That is another name struck off the list.

The last name on the list was Health Mini-star Matt Khaw. I learnt something new about cows. They eat a lot of grass and as a result, they fart a lot of gas. I almost died of gas poisoning when I bent down to inspect Khaw's anus. Furious, I jabbed a hot branding iron onto Khaw's buttocks. Khaw jumped and out fell a compass. It was of the Moral brand.

"It's my lost Moral compass!" Matt Khaw exclaimed. "Now that we have our Moral compass again, let's move on."

Damn, "let's move on" is becoming a cliché here.

But in this modern age, I don't use a compass. I use a Moral GPS system instead.

A Godfather Protect Sycophants ("GPS") system, that is.

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