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Maxims That Sun Tzu Rejected For ‘The Art of War’
Posted on Sunday, September 18, 2005
Topic: We, The Citizens
We, The Citizens Come on, you think Sun Tzu included just any old advice in his book “The Art of War”? Our in-house historian did some research (he insists he didn’t make this up and we see no reason to doubt him) and found some maxims that the venerable Chinese sage dumped in his trash folder, assuming he had a PC to begin with…

1. All warfare is based on deception. So when you meet your enemy, say, “Eh, your zip is open” and then when he looks down to check, faster whack him.

2. Never lend money to your men before sending them into battle.

3. Rouse your enemy’s irrational anger by chanting “Nyeh-nee nyeh-nee boo boo, you cannot catch me” while sticking out your tongue and flapping your hands by your ears.

4. Do not allow your men to paste Hello Kitty characters on the sides of your chariots. Wait the enemy thinks you’re all chao ah lians.

5. In the face of a vastly superior enemy, the wise soldier reports sick.

6. Demoralize your enemy by telling him you scored better than him in PSLE.

7. Use psychological warfare. Giggle and whisper and point at your enemy and then when he comes near you and asks what’s the matter, just turn away and say, “Oh, nothing.”

8. The prudent captain goes easy on the White Horses.

9. Before embarking on a long campaign, stock up on important supplies, especially soft, cushiony toilet paper.

10. Confuse your enemy by coming up with lots of maxims that sound ‘cheem’ but which could be interpreted any old how.




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