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Air Beng: Budget Airline Launched
Posted on Sunday, June 15, 2003
Topic: Business | 
by Michael Bloombird
The persistent rumour that an unnamed businessman is launching a low budget airline (thus spurring Singapore Airlines to start planning one of its own) can finally be laid to rest.
Geylang-based entrepreneur Chow Ah Beng announced at a press conference today that Air Beng will be making its inaugural flights to red light destinations such as Hatyai, Phuket, Batam and Bintan.
Mr. Chow, who also pens an occasional advice column for TalkingCock.com) and is also a lecturer in Geylang-based gangster university Hoot U, said that Air Beng will cater to travelers that go on regular trips to regional destinations which specialize mainly in adults-only recreational activities.
“You can say that they’re hard core travelers,” smiled Mr. Chow as he used his long last fingernail to dig his ear. “They especially like free and easy packages. Especially the easy type.”
Flight crews will be drawn largely from the staff at Mr. Chow’s other venture, the Cheap Buy Midnight KTV Launge along Geylang Lorong 69. For Singaporeans used to SIA’s Pierre Balmain-designed kebayas, Air Beng’s flight uniforms of navel-exposing tank tops, mini-skirts, fishnet stockings and stiletto heels may take some getting used to.
“Don’t call them air hostess or stewardess or this sort of shit,” said Mr. Chow, preferring that we refer to his flight attendants as ‘PROs’, or Plane Relations Officers. “I guarantee you plus two year warranty that we can provide better service than Singapore Airlines. My girls all have good history of servicing customer, one.”
“All the Singapore Girl stewardess only take good care of ang mor passenger,” he continued with a scowl. “But my girls will love all, serve all. Easy come, easy go.”
At this juncture, one of the PROs did a very passionate demonstration of blowing into the tube to inflate one’s life jacket. (Many journalists in attendance requested private demonstrations after the press conference.)
Other distinguishing features of Air Beng will be its selection of in-flight entertainment. Mr. Chow said that Air Beng will not have any of the “see until sian” Hollywood fare most airlines provide. Instead, he will wait till the plane leaves Singapore airspace, and begin screening critically-acclaimed art house films, which he calls ‘flims’.
“All our flims very arty one. All R(A) and above,” he beamed. The ‘flims’ are all chosen by the programme managers at another of Mr. Chow’s companies, a mobile DVD/VCD retail distributor whose branches can often be found at bus interchanges or hastily set up tables in town centres. Passengers can look forward to watching titles such as ‘Monster’s Balls’, ‘Star Whores’, ‘XXX2: XXX-Men Molested’, ‘The Mattress’ and ‘The Mattress Reinflated’. There will even be local films such as ‘Honey No Enough’, ‘One Dick Licking’, and ‘I Not Turgid’.
Air Beng’s fleet of Fokker airplanes is not yet equipped to provide on-board games, but for the moment, Mr. Chow says “the PROs are willing to allow passengers to press their buttons while they play with your joystick.”
Mr. Chow didn’t seem to think Air Beng had anything to fear from other low cost carriers like Australia’s Virgin Blue or Malaysia’s AirAsia or even SIA’s as-yet-unannounced budget airline.
“I not scared of Virgin Blue,” said Mr. Chow. “They call themselves Virgin Blue, but they cannot acherly provide any blue virgins, whereas we can, for the right price. And as for AirAsia, it runs completely on the hot air generated by Dr. Mahathir, and how long can that last?”
As for SIA, Mr. Chow said, “They can go fly kite!”
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